joy_full | ramblings of incoherent consciousnes

today at work i was attacked by an iridescent bug.  it was so beautiful i couldn’t kill it. i don’t like killing bugs as it is, but this one was honestly too beautiful to kill. so, i trapped it under my coffee mug and let it free outside. 

i started this post over 3 weeks ago now.  (yes, i am absolutely one of those people who at any given time has 7 ‘saved drafts’ in their blog roll, most of which will never reach the public eye.) this one is important, though… i know that because for a long time it made me scared.

the other day i was at work and just in a bad mood.  not that i was having a bad day, i was just in a bad mood.  i was curmudgeony and pissed off and frustrated.  and i had no good reason to be in a bad mood at all.  my life is great! i have tons of wonderful friends, a fantastic family who i’m on better terms with than ever, a great job in my field that keeps me financially stable, an awesome house right by the ocean in hawaii, the two greatest dogs in the world, etc… the list is endless.  and yet, i was still unhappy.  i snapped.   

one of the best things about having no attachments means you have no distractions. what the hell was my problem? was i seriously unhappy?  why?  HOW could i possibly be unhappy?  i had everything i thought i needed.   and yet i was just… over it.  it was like nothing mattered.  i felt apathetic to the extreme, and i am anything but apathetic.  work didn’t matter - and work was all that ever mattered.  even the successes didn’t matter that much, never-mind the problems, which all of a sudden didn’t even matter enough for me to get that upset about.  and i always got upset about problems.  it was about damn time i figured some shit out. 

as enlightenment is born from disturbance, this frustration launched the finalizing results of a pretty intense self-evaluation/examination that started about a year ago; the constructive pieces of which have recently been rapidly bubbling into my consciousness and scaring the shit out of me.  the outcomes of the conclusions i was making were confounding to my life as i knew it - we’re talking an entire paradigm shift.  most people wouldn’t think twice about what i was realizing, but for me it was a huge deal.

don’t for one minute think this was a “sudden enlightenment”.  a lot of blood, sweat, and tears (hurt, loss, arguments, wasted gifts, major mistakes, heartache…) has gone into this process.  and even after i fully began to understand, it took me 2 MORE weeks before i could tell anyone (half of that hesitation was me wanting to be SURE, and the other half was me being afraid of what people would think of me!).  it’s taken almost a month for me to publish it in this post, for all my loyal readers… (all three of you… thanks Sabs, K and P!).  the way i see it, the more people who read this = the more vibes i get out into the universe on my side.  that, and i’m actually proud of myself for this one.  really proud. and the changes i’ve made in my life since making this decision has literally changed everything.

i think everyone should sit down one day and seriously figure out what their life priorities are.  your whole life will change when you do.  because once you get your list nailed down, figuring out how to spend your valuable time becomes MUCH easier.  and all the stupid problems somehow don’t stress you out nearly as much. i have completely restructured my life over the past two months - on both a theoretical AND daily basis.  i have NEVER experienced happiness the way i experience it now, and i would never go back to the ‘old way’.

here are my life priorities:

1. spiritual evolution
2. family
3. health
4. travel/leisure
5. work, career, education

there you go.  i said it.  and after the saga i’ve been on for the past two years, believe me when i say… i mean it.  it turns out, work doesn’t matter because literally… work doesn’t matter. all my life i’ve believed a career was the most important aspect of life.  to be successful meant to work hard and build a successful career and everything else came second.  i spent years trying to figure out how to shape this career in a way i ‘wanted.’  all the women i looked up to growing up were successful career women, and that’s the part i focused on. i stressed out all through college trying to figure out what to study so i knew what to do with the rest of my life.  i stressed out after college once i started working trying to figure out ‘what i wanted to be’.  and i stressed out hard core once moving to hawaii and not having a ‘good enough’ job. 

don’t get me wrong - i love working!! i love contributing to a great project.  nothing makes me happier than delving in to something full-force and creating a final piece to be proud of (like… my senior thesis).  however, actually having a career and building my life around work - honestly sounds like hell to me.  i would much rather focus on building my life WITH someone.

growing up, i never thought i wanted a family.  i didn’t ever want to be responsible for anyone else.  i was terrified at the thought of someone else being dependent on me.  i never realized that i actually like being responsible for other people.  i love being a part of the team that only a loving relationship is.  i love sharing my successes and problems with someone and standing behind them, being proud of their successes and helping them work through their problems.  and believe it or not, i really like when other people are responsible for me.  i read once ‘happiness is only real when it’s shared.’  while i don’t entirely agree with that - i totally understand it.  happiness is so much better when it’s shared. and i want to share my life with someone.  i’m talking that ‘through thick and thin’ shit and everything… for better or worse.  i want to be with someone through everything and i want someone to be with me through everything.  in fact, sharing my life with someone is THE most important thing for me (after spiritual development… of course.  as that is the point of life).  «enter soul mate HERE»  :)

it’s almost like… life is too beautiful NOT to be shared.  i’m seeing all these unbelievably beautiful things all the time and all i want is to show them to someone.  it’s all too beautiful for me alone.  i went with jim to the big island in may and all i wanted to do was show him all the different landscapes and geo-zones.  i drove him around for an entire day just pointing out all the different beautiful things i had seen the other times i had been there.  i drove him all around the volcano national park too.  and I made sure I was driving – I just wanted him to be able to take it all in. this was all i wanted to do – show him and share with him the most beautiful place on earth.  of course, he got car sick and had a miserable day.  which in turn got me utterly frustrated and we ended up fighting over directions.  but i digress….

i want to be married, i even want kids one day. (maybe…possibly…most likely… yeah okay i think i do).  i want to grow old with someone. i want the full on drop-to-one-knee proposal (after conferring with my father, of course).  i want the wedding with my family surrounding me.  i want to come home and eat dinner with someone while we talk about the nonsense of our day. i want to wake up in the morning and actually have a reason to be self-conscious about having bad breath. 

when i first began to realize this, i had this haunting voice from my past plaguing me as it kept saying “you only want what you don’t have.” but after really thinking about it i realized that voice actually proved how important this is to me.  because i WASN’T willing to settle.  i’ve always been willing to settle on jobs or a career.  but when i’m going to do something as important to me as marrying someone i’m going to be damn sure it’s right. in part because it’s not something i want to do twice. 

AND the beautiful part of it is - right now, i’m as single as a GW dolla bill.  which is actually wonderful, because for the first time in a long time i am unattached and open enough to let the magic happen, and to take the next step in my life.   now don’t mistake; i’m entirely happy being single right now.  i keep myself MORE than busy and have no qualms about not having someone.  i love my alone time and i am living it up right now.  AND i am absolutely NOT willing to settle for something half-ass or begin a relationship that i know won’t go anywhere.  i’ve made enough mistakes with men in the past year to know for sure that i’m done wasting time.  i have no problems waiting and i am not about to rush into anything.

the other beautiful thing about everything that’s happened is that i am now completely aware of exactly what i am looking for in the person i will share my life with.  i can’t post that list, however, because that would just be cheating.  :)  my ex recently said to me, “when i break up with my next girlfriend, she’ll have to call you and thank you.”  now, let’s ignore how awful that statement is in so many ways and all the levels of wrong implicit, and instead focus on the positive i managed to take from it: it made me realize how lucky i am for all the understanding this whole experience has brought me.  i am eternally grateful.  AND, i know that when i marry my next boyfriend, i’ll be sure to have him call you to thank you.  gratitude is a funny thing. 

eventually i’ll have to start dating again.  i really don’t understand why Mr. Right can’t just show up one day with a sign on his forehead.  if it were up to me i’d literally run into him on the street spilling coffee on both of us and when we’re trying frantically to clean up and our hands accidentally touch sparks literally fly into the air and our souls merge as we become one.  i’ll take that, thanks.  that would also solve the problem of my disappointment in the reality that i may not end up with someone who has known me from a “young” age.  but then … time is relative, non?  

anyways, before this becomes the longest post ever written, let’s discuss the other four priorities. 

1: spiritual development and evolution.  this, as everyone who truly knows me understands, is by far the most important aspect of my life.  meditation, prayer, metaphysics, the list of my interests and daily habits are endless.  as far as i am concerned, the spiritual path is the only path.  and the more room i make for this in my daily routine, the better life is.  i also firmly believe that a spiritual path is all inclusive and requires unbounded compassion - everyone and anyone is welcome to join me and the more the merrier.  i truly believe that others’ experiences only enhance mine and i love learning from those around me.  i would absolutely never, under any circumstances exclude a being from my life.  your reality is your perception only and the only way to reach enlightenment is to practice compassion at every opportunity.

2: family.  see above.  in addition, my mom, dad, brother, sister, brother-in-law, and nephew are by far the most important people in my life.  i love them all more than life itself and they are a constant stream of strength, love, and support.  when i create my own family, in reality i will only be extending my already beautiful family.  and it is extremely important to me that my partner in life has a good relationship with his family, and that we become a true ohana.  my extended family is in this category as well.  and my friends… you know who you are.  once you’re in, you’re in for good (maybe it’s an italian thing).  you friends are family and nothing you could EVER do would remove your place and standing in my life.  even if we don’t talk that often…i love you like blood. 

3: health.  obviously.  sleep, a good diet, exercise.  yoga and meditation.  mental health/therapy.  staying healthy means being the best i can be, and that is all i will ever be.

4: travel and leisure.  i love traveling.  seeing the world and experiencing the goodness and diversity of this world is honestly what keeps me going most days.  i love to play - in the water, in the mountains, on a jet-ski, riding a motorcycle, playing with my dogs, cooking, eating ethiopian food, singing around a campfire…. one truly connects with the universe through play. my sense of adventure is infinite and feeding it is a straight connection to my creativity and soul-expression.

5: work/career/education. yep… last.  obviously, one most work enough to generate enough income to provide for the above 4.  and i love the sense of accomplishment after a good days hard work and the sense of achievement at having learned something new.  but really, i’ll never regret missing a day of work or skipping out on a class.  life is much too beautiful. this is not where i get my sense of worth.

size 4. that’s what my pants tag says. I look and feel awesome today and I can’t wait to find out what adventures are in store. :)

(last paragraph)

“You are just so much more… well, I can’t say ‘evolved’ because I’ve already said that 3 times… but that’s really the only word that comes to mind.”

                   - probably the best clinical psychologist in the state.

today was one of those days. one of those days that reminds you how wonderful life is if you just pay attention.  lets start at the beginning…

my hitchhiking adventure.

i hitchhiked this morning for the first time ever.  i’ve always been a little nervous at the thought of hitchhiking, but sticking my thumb out has definitely crossed my mind on more than one occasion as i walk the mile and a half from the bus stop to my house every night. ironically, that infamous gesture was not even necessary this morning. i guess there’s a first for everything…

some relevant information: my roommate usually gives me a ride into work in the mornings. i’m really supposed to be at work by 9 or 9.30, and living in kaneohe means we have to leave around 8.30/9:00am for that to realistically happen… he has a tendency to run late (i guess that’s one of the luxuries of working for yourself). this particular morning, at 8:15 as i was drinking some coffee and he was finishing up his breakfast, he mentioned that he was taking the bus into town.  that he can’t afford to pay the insurance on the car so we’re just going to be bussing it for a while. the bus ride from kaneohe to town is approximately 1.5 hours.

fuck.  after 4 days off, there’s no way i’ll be making it into work anywhere near 9:00 now.  i’m only half-ready to leave as it is.  i quickly check the bus schedule (thank GOD … and mom and dad… for a fully functioning phone) and realize the bus leaves at 8:40… and the next one at 9:20. i REALLY need to make it in by 10.  it’s now 8:19 and i still have to walk 1.5 miles. i throw a bagel into a ziploc but DAMNIT the zipper is stuck… i dart out the door and begin to rush down the street.  i realize i’ve dropped my (brand new) sweater and i have to run back and pick it up. now it’s 8:24 and i’m barely outside my door!! i’m hauling ass and almost to the end of the subdivision when a car pulls up and the nice older gentlemen rolls down the window and asks “do you want a ride?”

i can’t even describe the thoughts that were running through my head in this split second.  “fuck” was pretty much it.  and then “well.. he looks okay enough.” and then “i mean, if he’s in the subdivision he’s good people right? this is kaneohe.” and then “it’s only a mile and a half.”  i blurted out “yes?” in question form.  and then opened the door and buckled my seat belt.

turns out the guy has only been here for three days and is from oregon visiting his son who is a marine.  nice guy wearing a huge chotchky hawaiian hook necklace and was on his way to walgreens to develop the photos he’s taken so far during his 3 days here.  needless to say, in the 5 minute drive to the bus stop, this wonderful gentlemen decided i was good looking and nice enough and that i should date his son, making sure, of course that i don’t have a boyfriend. 

alas, by 8.35am i was at the busstop in time to make it to work, had received a MAJOR ego boost, gotten a date, AND had a fantastic story to tell. 

and the adventure doesn’t even end there!!   the bus was late.  of course.  then the bus broke down.  we all had to cram onto another bus that was already half full, only to make it to the transfer point in time for me to discover my transfer bus was broken down.   staying consistent with my “fuck it” attitude, i just got on the next bus that showed up.  By the grace of god, I miraculously made it to work by 9:45…. with enough time to even grab a cup of coffee before the museum opened.  :)  

happiness.

the day just kept getting better. by 1:00 I discovered one of my FAVORITE bands EVER - edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros - are coming to honolulu in october!!!!! playing at hallowballoo with the other quality musical group dengue fever!!!! i am SO EXCITED for this show… and this whole event!!! seriously.  tickets haven’t even gone on sale yet and i’m already signed up to go.  (if you haven’t heard it yet… your life is not yet complete). i will be at this show singing at the top of my lungs. if you care to join me please call or text at your earliest convenience.

pride.

by 2pm, the latest Honolulu Weekly was out with not one, but TWO mentions of my film this friday!!! let’s backtrack…. while i have a really fantastic job title, my job really consists mainly of business management and not so much programming.  but the exciting part of my job is that i get one showcase… one film, one friday night a month… all to myself.  i heard about this film, EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP a long time ago, from multiple viable and vetted sources.  a guerrila documentary on the underworld street-art scene and its socio-political implications?!?! how much more ‘up my alley’ can we get?!

i knew it was a reach, but i busted my ass to get this film for my opening showcase.  i mean, i stalked these people.  i researched the film, found the distribution company, made the contacts, called and emailed RELENTLESSLY for months.  seriously, months.  no one thought i was going to get it, and hell i almost gave up myself.  but i pulled through and managed to nail down the hawai’i premiere!! with the screening only 2 days away, ryan senaga heralds it as “one of the best films of 2010” and even honolulu socialite extraordinaire christa wittmier is excited about the event!  i don’t pat myself on the back very often, but you know what…. i’m damn proud of myself.  i worked my butt off for this and i deserve to be excited.  it’s going to be a fantastic evening and i even have a new dress to wear!!! :)

happiness round 2

at 4 o’clock i find out that LEONARD COHEN HIMSELF is coming to the blaisdell on Dec 4!! 2 musical geniuses barely over a month apart!!  my musical happiness scale just overflowed with wonderfulness!!!!  eeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkk :)

ultimate satisfaction

by the time 5:30 rolls around and it’s time for me to go on my dinner break (i had to work the night shift) i don’t think today can get much better.  but no, the greatness just keeps coming.  there’s a members gallery opening happening out in the courtyard and i get to spend an hour hanging out with the wonderful academy staff and drinking free wine! then i peruse the new gallery space, with it’s remarkable thai, cambodian and malaysian artifacts which both leave me nostalgic for the traveling i’ve already done and simultaneously create a whole new burning desire to go travel more places. i love working at an art museum. 

i sell tickets for the evening show (easy as pie) and then grab some dinner from my cafe buddies.  our head chef at the cafe is honestly a culinary mastermind and had created probably the greatest chicken curry i have ever tasted.  organic chicken cooked to perfection that literally melts like butter in your mouth, smothered in the most perfectly spiced curry sauce and combined with the absolute perfect amount of vegetables.  just thinking about it again makes my mouth water.  traded for some help putting stuff away, the meal was literally priceless.

blessing.

 the friendly man sitting next to me on the bus blessed me as i got off at my stop. my walk home didn’t even see that long tonight, even though by now my feet were all blistered so i had to walk barefoot.  i don’t know what the message from the universe is these days but if i had to guess it would be something like “everything basically sucks and the obstacles are endless right now.  but keep your chin up, and you’ve got tons of help and support.”  my soul/life lessons right now are patience, gratitude, and learning to put others before myself.  anyone who knows me knows that none of those are really my forte. ironically, i’m just infinitely grateful to have the opportunity to perfect these lessons now before my life really gets started.  ;)

and life. is. good.